Staying Motivated

When you're facing selective mutism or any kind of anxiety, progress rarely feels linear. Some days you take a big step forward. Other days, even the smallest thing can feel impossible again. Those “firsts” you try can feel like jumping over the Grand Canyon, perilously close to falling in.

One of the biggest things that helped me keep going, especially when challenges were the most daunting, was having a reward system in place.

Back when I was a kid working through SM, we called them "Brave Bucks." Every time I completed a brave step, whether it was whispering to a teacher, handing in a worksheet, or saying one word to a classmate, I earned a little slip of paper with Batman on it. After I collected a certain number, I could trade them in for a prize. More often than not, it was a new toy for my hamster.

It might sound simple, but Brave Bucks changed everything for me. They turned terrifying tasks into manageable, winnable challenges. And they made the invisible work of being brave feel real. For me as a elementary school kid, who had little concept of why this work was important to me, these Brave Bucks were the push I needed to develop my own motivation.

Why Reward Systems Work

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. Every time you avoid something, your brain gets a tiny "reward" for escaping the discomfort, which then makes it harder to face the next time. It’s not that avoiding makes people feel good, but it makes people feel less bad, which is a powerful reward in itself. External reward systems can help flip that script.

Instead of avoidance getting the reward, bravery does. It gives your brain (and your emotions) another reason to lean into fear instead of backing away from it.

Over time, people do build intrinsic motivation. I definitely did, especially once I understood how anxiety was limiting my life and how I could push back against it. But when I was in elementary school, that inner drive didn’t exist yet. The idea of forcing myself to “jump into the Grand Canyon” on purpose? 100% not happening. Brave Bucks gave me another reason to try that I could see and feel.

How to Set Up a Reward System

1. Make bravery visible.
Have a physical token (like a sticker, a Brave Buck, or a stamp on a chart) that gets earned the moment the brave behavior happens. Immediate reinforcement is so helpful.

2. Keep goals tangible and achievable.
Focus on clear, manageable steps like:

• Answering a yes/no question

• Raising a hand even if no words come out

• Walking into a room without clinging to a parent

• Making eye contact with a cashier

Big goals like “talk in class all day” can feel overwhelming. Tiny steps can build momentum and makes the goal very tangible. There is a concept called SMART goals meaning each goal should be:

• Specific: “Say hi to the teacher at drop-off” - you know exactly what is being asked of you

• Measurable: “Do this 3 times this week” - you know exactly what it means to accomplish the goal

• Achievable: Set a goal within reach and not one that is a huge leap

• Relevant: Should connect with your current challenges

• Time-bound: “Do this in school today” - you have a specific expectation of when it will be completed

3. Celebrate consistently.
Rewards don't have to be huge. A simple, enthusiastic "Great job!" or putting a Brave Buck in the jar can be very powerful. To start, make sure the bravery is consistently rewarded.

4. Use age-appropriate rewards.
Younger kids often love tangible prizes (stickers, toys, getting to pick dinner).
Teens might prefer experiences (extra screen time, a favorite outing, picking the weekend plans).

For older teens or adults, even a self-created reward system (treating yourself to a new book or coffee after a hard challenge) can keep motivation alive. I used this trick for myself even when I got older. After college, I used to stop at McDonald’s after therapy sessions. It gave me something to look forward to for putting in the work.

Reward Ideas by Age

Building a Timeline

• Immediate goals: What brave steps are you working on today or this week?

• Short-term goals: What could you build toward in a month? (e.g., ordering food solo)

• Long-term goals: What’s a bigger dream to keep in sight? (e.g., joining a club, presenting in class)

Stacking small rewards along the way helps bigger goals feel reachable. This is key. This is where some reward systems fall short in when the goal is too big and too far away. You should aim for big goals, but the bigger the goal, the more intermediate steps you need in-between to support getting there.

Final Thoughts

• Being brave with your anxiety doesn’t mean you're fearless. It means you show up even when it feels hard. I’ve never lost my feelings of anxiety. I just know that those feelings can’t control my life.

• Reward systems don’t bribe bravery. They honor the hard work that people put in. They acknowledge the work, the discomfort, and the stretch outside a comfort zone.

I'd love to hear from you!

If you’ve used a reward system that worked well or if you have a story about a "brave moment" you or your child reached because of extra motivation, I’d love to hear about it and feature it in a future post. Feel free to reply directly to this email.

To the next first,
Jonathan Kohlmeier

✨ Looking for more trusted resources on selective mutism?
I keep a running list of my favorite books, articles, courses, and tools for parents, educators, and individuals here: 👉 My Favorite SM Resources