Beyond the Classroom

Oftentimes, when people think about selective mutism, they picture a child sitting silently in a classroom. That was true for me too—but the harder moments didn’t end when the final bell rang. Anxiety followed me everywhere in my life: to birthday parties, holiday dinners, after-school activities, restaurants, and even simple trips to the store.

Just like we often focus interventions on helping a child in the classroom, we have to be just as intentional outside of school. Life beyond the classroom is packed with opportunities and challenges for kids, teens, and adults working through SM.

Building Brave Moments Beyond School

After-School Activities
Extracurriculars can be powerful exposure opportunities if you approach them thoughtfully. Here are a few things that helped me in balancing structure with low-pressure social chances:

• Smaller groups always felt safer than larger ones. They were less crowded and overwhelming, creating simpler chances for me to challenge myself.

• Activities with a shared focus—like art, music, or robotics—can take the spotlight off talking. For me, it was Lego Club, where I could engage in something I enjoyed and push myself to experience it alongside others.

• Preview new environments whenever you can. Visiting the studio, meeting the coach, or walking through the space ahead of time helped lower the pressure on day one.

• Practice, practice, practice. Prepare, prepare, prepare. I can’t stress those enough. Visit the space in advance when it’s empty. Meet one or two people ahead of time. See the agenda in advance. Practice questions to ask peers before you go. Every little bit adds up.

Family Gatherings and Social Events
One of the most common questions I see is: "What should we do when family members don't understand?"

It's tough. I get it. At extended family events, it felt like everyone noticed when I didn't talk. Sometimes they’d push hard, even when they meant well. Sometimes I cried in the corner. Other times I hid in my room. And sometimes, I even found it enjoyable.

Here are a few strategies that helped:

• Prepare ahead. Let relatives know that silence isn't rudeness or disinterest. It’s 100% anxiety and fear. A simple heads-up can change the dynamic completely. (You could even send them this quick 2 min video by SMA to help explain.)

• Set realistic goals. Focus on small steps, like making eye contact or waving hello, instead of aiming for full conversations to start.

• Create "safe zones." Having a trusted adult, sibling, or cousin nearby gave me an anchor when things got overwhelming.

Sometimes the goal isn't to "perform" socially—it’s just to show up and have one positive interaction. That alone can be a huge win.

Community Outings
Everyday outings like ordering at a restaurant or asking where the bathrooms are can feel huge for someone with SM and/or social anxiety. But they’re also some of the best real-world practice opportunities.

Some tips:

• Start small. Maybe ordering ice cream with a parent whispering nearby before trying it solo. There is always a way to take a situation down a notch in its difficulty.

• Practice at home. Look up the menu beforehand and practice ordering with a trusted adult (or even by yourself in front of the mirror). Reducing the “unknowns” makes it easier in the moment.

• Celebrate attempts, not just successes. The first time I pointed to my choice on a menu instead of saying it out loud, it still counted as brave.

• Repeat the wins. The more I practiced small exposures, the less mountain-sized they seemed next time. Find something that works—and repeat it weekly!

I'd love to hear from you!

If you have a story about a small (or big!) victory outside of school, I’d love to feature it in a future post. Whether it’s about a breakthrough at soccer practice, a brave moment at a birthday party, or anything in between, feel free to reach out. You can reply directly to this email.

To the next first,
Jonathan

💡Looking for more trusted resources on selective mutism?💡
I keep a running list of my favorite books, articles, courses, and tools for parents, educators, and individuals here: My Favorite SM Resources